1. The Comedian
For some reason, sometimes the gym environment will bring out the comic in a guy . . . let me paint the scene for you: two to three guys surrounding another one who's telling a story or a joke, with his "audience" erupting in loud, obnoxious and boisterous laughter every 10 to 15 seconds . . . if this were to happen once or twice with this group while I was around, I probably wouldn't give it a second thought. If it happens 20-30 times within a 45 minute workout, I'm pretty sure this guy should be on stage somewhere.
2. The Doting Boyfriend
He helps her stretch, he winks at her in the mirror while doing bicep curls, he holds her hand while escorting her to another area of the gym, he pecks her on the cheek when she comes over, he helps her up after she's completed a set on the mat, and he waits for her outside the women's locker room while she's changing . . . all with an expression that's a cross between "I'm the luckiest guy on the planet" and "FML".
He helps her stretch, he winks at her in the mirror while doing bicep curls, he holds her hand while escorting her to another area of the gym, he pecks her on the cheek when she comes over, he helps her up after she's completed a set on the mat, and he waits for her outside the women's locker room while she's changing . . . all with an expression that's a cross between "I'm the luckiest guy on the planet" and "FML".
There's a reason they have locker rooms at gyms (and as you'll see below, my feeling is that it's not for a place to rock nudity) and while I know we can't all afford locks and/or may just feel more comfortable if we keep our possessions close, does a guy really need to keep a PILE of his stuff with him at all times? Against the gym wall or by his treadmill? Next to his bench? On his bench? The next time I see this I might just ask him if he'd like to share my locker with me . . . you know, for the unintentional comedy that would ensue afterwards.
4. The Creepy Guy
Every gym has one and while they can be young or old, fit or fat, and/or with friends or a loner, they've all got one main objective: creep every decent-looking girl out (and secretly creep many of the other guys out too) . . . now it's fair to say that I probably wouldn't pick up on The Creepy Guy's activities if I wasn't looking now and then myself but prolonged staredowns, following specific girls from room to room ("subtly" of course), and eavesdropping have never been part of my gym repertoire . . . ok, well maybe the staredowns have been but the fact that I'm hearing impaired precludes any eavesdropping.
5. The Naked Guy by the Locker
I know, I know - it's a locker room and if a guy has just showered and/or is changing clothes, he has to be naked at some point, right? Well that's not this guy. This is the guy who is at total ease with his nudity while by his locker - he may sit on a stool for a few minutes while listening to his iPod (while naked) - he may pack up his bag after getting out of the shower, organizing things and making sure everything is out of his locker (while naked) - he may even try and strike up a conversation with someone nearby (while naked) . . . put some f*cking clothes on already!
6. The Naked Guy at the Urinal
If it isn't the middle of the night, you aren't in your own apartment, and you haven't fallen asleep naked after sex, there's no reason why any guy should be standing at a urinal and/or toilet and using it unless he has some clothes on . . . I'd even settle for a t-shirt!
7. The Naked Guy at the Sink
Have I ever shaved naked? A few times . . . Have I ever put product in my hair while naked? Maybe once or twice . . . Have I ever flossed, brushed my teeth, trimmed my nose hair, applied hand lotion, combed my hair, rocked some cologne, and trimmed my beard while naked? . . . at the gym sink? . . . let me check . . . NOPE!
8. The Dirty Towel Guy
Based on my experience, I'm pretty sure that ~98% of guys at the gym would fit the description of "Dirty Towel Guy" - the definition? - it's pretty simple really: this is the guy that comes into the locker room after his workout, takes off all his clothes, wraps a clean towel around his waist, walks to the shower, showers, then uses the towel he just had wrapped around his sweaty, post-workout pelvic area to dry off his face, his neck, his hands, and the rest of his freshly cleansed body . . . after years of banging my head against locker room walls, discussing this phenomenon at length with friends, and being flabbergasted in general by the behavior, I've finally stopped caring . . . but it wasn't easy.
9. The Reader
If you aren't using a piece of cardio equipment, please leave the newspapers, magazines, and books at home on your coffee table.
10. The Big Stomach Guy
We all know who this guy is: he's in pretty good shape overall and in many cases, he's got a pretty muscular physique all around . . . until you get to his stomach. I know that we're all different and that there could be any number of reasons why a Big Stomach Guy has that big stomach (genetics, diet, medical condition, a love for big stomachs, etc.) but there's just nothing more puzzling to me than a guy who will spend all his time on every other part of his body and then devote not a single rep to tightening up his abdominals . . . HIT YOUR CORE ALREADY!
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Now one must bear in mind that this list is based on my personal experiences (and the gyms at which I've been a member) however I'd be shocked if some of you hadn't run into one or more of the characters above . . . for other fun (and more in-depth) lists in which you may find several other guys (and gals) you've bumped into at the gym, click here and here.
To support my Boston Marathon 2010 fundraising campaign for Spaulding Rehab Hospital, click here!
5 comments:
Failed Rep Inducer - The guys that make it a point to stand directly in front of you while you're lifting, thus preventing you from looking in the mirror.
The "Your not doing that right" guy...that wants to critique your form...
Machine Hog - The Guy that has apparently claimed every machine in a 10 foot radius as he does his "circuit" training and gets PO'ed if you even attempt to work out on any of them.
Bruce Springsteen (aka "Glory Days Guy") - Usually in his 40s or 50s and wearing Zubas, often heard making outrageous claims like "Back in college, my buddies and I would each eat a whole, live chicken and work out for 6 straight hours. I could squat a metric ton."
Billy Banks - The guy who is always bouncing around, pumping his fists getting ready for his next back-alley brawl. Then you ask him what he's listening to on his iPod and he says "Coldplay."
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